


Uphill Battles

by XReaderFic_Land



Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 18:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XReaderFic_Land/pseuds/XReaderFic_Land
Summary: Standing at the edge of insanity and love you wonder why they look so similar around Jason. At your breaking point, you need him to give you a reason to keep fighting.





	Uphill Battles

Rain tapped against the window filling the silence that stretched between them. Both wanted to break the fragile silence, but neither was rushing to do so, both unsure of exactly what to say. 

Y/N sat on the bed and stared at the floor as her emotions swelled and quieted like an ocean’s waves. Tears continued to burn the back of her throat threatening to blur her vision more than it already was the longer she sat there.

Bittersweet memories replayed in her mind, reminding her again and again why her choice to stay was only hurting her.

A clock in the distance ticked away, it’s sound seemingly too loud but proving a point all the same. Y/N bit her lip until she tasted blood as her chest tightened painfully. As each heartbeat passed the abyss that separated Y/N from Jason seemed to only widen, filling up with everything they didn’t say or do

Y/N closed her eyes inhaling shakily before her body moved, not allowing her to hesitate or rethink her actions. Rising off the bed Y/N reopened her eyes to lock with the door; looking at Jason would weaken if not break her resolve.

As Y/N’s hand wrapped around the door knob and she pulled it open a sliver Jason’s low, almost cautious voice shattered the quiet.

 

“Where are you going?”

Y/N was sure her tears would have brimmed over if her body hadn’t suddenly gone so numb, but it had. Y/N felt an emptiness taking over her entire body; she knew the pain would come soon and she’d break apart, but she couldn’t here.

Not in front of him.

Y/N knew Jason would either try to soothe her or leave her to her own devices until she reclaimed her stability; that’s how he was. A man unsure of how to process emotion or properly convey it, which considering their current situation was a big deal, but that was Jason Todd.

Y/N sighed heavily, she was emotionally and mentally spent. Never turning from the doorway Y/N only cut Jason a glance over her shoulder; green eyes filled with such dejection Jason had to force his expression to remain blank.

Jason was good at that, pretending to not care and keep people at arm’s length. It was a defense mechanism he’d picked up to keep people from getting too close, not wanting to feel loss or pain ever again. After he’d come back to life he’d felt like everyone had abandoned him.

Jason was all too aware that getting too close or showing too much emotion could lead down a road that was shrouded in obscurity. He craved human interaction like a bad drug but hesitated to except it, almost like a recovering addict would their favorite fix.

Y/N also happened to be the hardest person to ignore and therefore made overlooking his craving even more challenging. Y/N was everything he wanted but everything that scared him all at once. She was wrapped in a beautiful body that he had every inch of locked to memory. He cared about Y/N more than he knew how to express and that’s the only reason he’d spoken.

He didn’t want to see her leave, yet at the same time he wondered if it were better…for her at least.

Jason rooted himself against the wall to make space between them, but honestly it was to keep himself from touching her. Jason never knew how to say what he felt other than to physically try to convey it to her.

Jason had felt his stomach fill with dread when Y/N walked to the door. Seeing her in such pain killed him yet Jason didn’t have any idea how to voice his internal turmoil.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jason.” Y/N’s voice sounded as drained as she looked, exhaustion riddling her.

Jason’s lips downturned slightly, the action unseen as Y/N tuned to rest her forehead against the door.

“Do what?” Jason’s voice faltered.

Jason tried to hide his flickering moment of desperation, he didn’t want to her to leave.Y/N cut oddly hard eyes to Jason before they softened as sadness became raw in them once more.

“I can’t keep loving you Jason.” Y/N’s words shook with unshed tears as they tainted the air. “I can’t keep loving someone that will never love me back, but I do. I love you more than I can stand it and I know it’s not healthy. I know it’s not sane, but I do and that’s why I have to leave. I’ve tried, I really have but I know you will never change.”

Y/N laughed weakly, “I won’t beg you to love me because then it wouldn’t be real love. I mean, I know everyone says people change but it’s a lie. People don’t change; the only change that happens is the reality of who that person is coming to the surface. I won’t make this any bigger than it already is, I’ll just leave and you won’t have to deal with me ever again.”

Y/N opened the door more widely, “Good-“

“I don’t want you to leave Y/N-“

“Don’t. Don’t you fucking dare.” Y/N whipped around tears running down her cheeks as she pointed at him.

Jason held his blank mask in place even as it shook to fall away. Y/E/C clashed against blue-green as the two searched each other’s gazes.

Y/N’s voice came out defeated and low, “Just…don’t Jason. Don’t pretend-“

“I am not pretending.” Jason’s voice became out almost feral, “I told you from-no, you knew, from the very beginning that I had no idea how to be in a relationship. I can’t express my feelings to you because…”

“Because of what Jason? What is it that has you, so tongue tied?”

Jason felt his control slipping and the words came out before he could even stop himself, “Because you’ll be the death of me!”

Y/N’s eyes widened visibly her mouth opening with no words coming out.

Jason cut his eyes away from her, “I can’t stand the idea of watching you leave but at the same time I know it’d more than likely be better for you.” Jason pushed a frustrated hand through his hair, “I can’t give you flowers and hearts, because I don’t know how Y/N.”

 

With those last words it felt like their sudden outbursts had never happened as the room echoed with quiet once more.

It was like running in circles when they argued, the familiar silences and bouts of emotion were so reoccurring you could map out exactly what would happen. Though, this was the first time Y/N had been able to crack past Jason’s hard walls enough to peek inside at the man she’d fallen in love with.

“I never asked for hearts and flowers Jason I just wanted you, for once in your life, to be honest with me.”

 

“I’ve never lied to you,” Jason gripped his little ounce of remaining bravery and looked into Y/E/C eyes.

Y/N sighed, “No, but you never were completely honest with me either.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jason hissed.

Y/N inhaled shakily, “I am going to ask you something just once and your response depends very much on the outcome of me leaving or dipping further into insanity for you.”

Jason’s frame went rigid.

 

“Did you ever, or do you even care about me?”

Jason stared into eerily steady Y/E/C eyes. Y/N and Jason lost track of time as they stood there in epic silence before Y/N forced herself to except his reply, or lack thereof.

Turning painfully to the door once more Y/N’s foot hovered out the doorway freezing in midair at Jason’s whispered words.

“I don’t care about you Y/N-“

Y/N whipped back into the room with such speed Jason didn’t realize it until his head snapped sideways.

The slap echoed off the walls in the apartment like thunder as Y/N’s hand floated in the air as Jason’s head was snapped to the side, his expression full of surprise.

Y/N’s chest heaved as she slowly registered the sting in her hand before hot tears and screams filled the air.

“You self-centered fucking prick! Five fucking years I gave to you! Five Jason! I never asked for anything and you stand there like some fucking asshole that hides behind a mask out of fear!” Y/N pointed a finger “You are a coward-“

Jason’s head snapped around just as fast as it’d been knocked sideways, blue-green eyes so filled with anger Y/N’s words skid to a stop. Stepping forward Jason barely registered himself attempting to stop Y/N from retreating on instinct.

Y/N backed up until her knees hit the bedside making her fall back onto the soft mattress with Jason never hesitating to crowd her personal space. Leaning forward Jason firmly but not painfully pinned down Y/N’s wrists as his heated eyes glared down into her defiant Y/E/C ones.

Swallowing Jason did his best to not let his voice shake.

“Let’s get a few things straightened out. First, I know very damn well how long we’ve been together Y/N and I know that you’ve done a lot for me or rather us. Secondly, I am not a fucking coward. You know full well that to be a damned lie when you, for a moment, consider why I am so against getting close to you or anyone for that damn matter. I have lost so much Y/N and the idea that after years of being cautious of letting people get too close you danced into my life stripping me bare at your feet.”

Jason inhaled shakily, “Five years and you are the closet I’ve ever let anyone and that scares the fucking shit out of me. Knowing that at any second you could walk out without so much as a glance back kills me because I’d have to lose someone again.”

Jason’s eyes slid shut, “I know you’ve stretched yourself to the breaking point when it comes to patience with me, I know that better than you are aware and I don’t blame you if you still left after this. But let it be known Y/N this is who I am, I don’t want you to leave me but I have no reason to make you stay either. I never just cared about you Y/N, I love you like I loved my family and that has me scared out of my fucking mind.”

Y/N to stared at the raw pain etching Jason’s face as he hovered over her. Slowly Jason drug in a shaky breath as he forced himself to release Y/N and slid into a standing position once more.

Y/N stared at Jason’s rigid body with wide eyes, her brain still trying to process his words. Jason moved himself back against his former position at the wall with eyes downcast.

Crossing his arms across his chest to somehow ground himself to the room he waited for Y/N to get up and leave. He tried to mentally prepare himself to watch Y/N rip his heart out and walk out with it in her carry-on bag. Jason had finally slammed into a wall and had bared his soul to Y/N as a last-ditch effort to give himself closure.

Jason heard the bed sheets shuffle, but his eyes were glued to the floor, Y/N had the ball fully in her court.

“Did…Did you just say you loved me?”

Jason’s body tensed at her gently spoken words like they’d burned him.

“Jason.”

 

Y/N’s more firm tone pleaded for some sort of response, but all she got was Jason slowly rising his head to look at her, his mask fully back in place.

Even with his blank mask in place Y/N was usually able to read Jason’s eyes even if it took some effort, but not in that moment. Jason’s eyes were wide open windows holding back the response he wanted to give but failed to trust his voice with.

Y/N couldn’t remember how to breathe as things slowly started to sink in, “Holy-“

Y/N was thankful she was still sitting on the bed because she was sure she’d have hit the floor as her words died.

Jason’s jaw was tight, unsure if Y/N’s actions meant she was staying or if she just needed time to recover before leaving.

“How long?”

Jason’s brows lifted, “How long what?”

“How long have you…”

Jason caught her meaning but never answered; he didn’t see how that was an important piece of information.

Y/N watched as Jason stared out their bedroom window, his jaw was set tightly all the while a muscle worked wildly away. Swallowing in attempt to destroy the dryness in her throat Y/N decided that Jason’s first ever emotional response had been short lived. Looking down at her jean clad thighs the internal war that ragged on continually had her back at square one.

Another long bout of silence came as Y/N found herself having an internal war of reasoning.

“I have conditions.”

Jason’s eyes snapped up at Y/N’s whispered words. The harsh seriousness Jason found in her eyes had him holding his breath.

“I can’t keep being the only one putting in the effort. I need you to meet me halfway. I need you to trust me enough to let me in.” Y/N pushed a tired hand through her hair “I just…you have to work with me Jay.”

Jason silently nodded.

“No. I need to hear the words.”

Jay swallowed thickly while uncrossing his arms, “Okay.”

Y/N smiled through her tears while reaching toward him. It wasn’t long before Jason was kneeling before her his head in her lap as they held each other.

This is where they would continue their uphill war, but this time it would be them against the world.


End file.
